You’re stressed. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. So you focus on the one thing that’s crystal clear: you don’t want to feel this way anymore. You don’t want the overwhelm. You don’t want the stress. You don’t want to be tired.

It makes sense, right? You name the problem. You identify what’s wrong. That should be the first step toward change.

But when we focus only on what we don’t want, we end up building our entire strategy around avoidance. It’s like someone saying they’re tired of bad weather and don’t want to be caught in the rain anymore, so they buy an umbrella. The umbrella solves the immediate problem, keeping them dry, but it doesn’t give them what they actually want: to be in good weather.

The cost of this avoidance-focused approach? We spend our energy managing symptoms rather than creating the life we actually want. We become reactive instead of intentional. We know what we’re running from, but we have no clear direction.

–> What if the problem isn’t naming what you don’t want? What if the problem is that you stop there?

Where The Shift Starts

What if instead of simply saying “I don’t want to feel stressed,” you ask yourself, “What do I want to feel instead?”

This isn’t toxic positivity or word games. This is literally rewiring how your brain engages with change. Our brains are naturally wired to avoid pain. It’s a survival mechanism that served our ancestors well. But avoidance doesn’t create anything. It just prevents. It keeps you safe, but it doesn’t move you forward.

When you shift from avoidance to approach, something different happens. You activate different neural pathways. You move from a threat-focused state to a possibility-focused state. Your creativity opens up. Your energy changes. Instead of feeling like you’re constantly defending against what you don’t want, you’re actively building toward something you want.

Think again about the umbrella metaphor. An umbrella addresses rain, not weather. Similarly, avoiding stress doesn’t create the life you want. It just manages a symptom. You might successfully avoid feeling stressed by numbing out, staying busy, or withdrawing, but none of those strategies bring you closer to feeling energized, purposeful, or connected.

–> The difference is profound: When you focus on avoidance, you ask, “What do I need to escape?” When you focus on approach, you ask, “What am I building toward?” One creates desperation. The other invites intention.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Let me show you what this shift looks like in practice with 4 real-life examples. These are patterns I see constantly in coaching conversations, and maybe you’ll recognize yourself in one of them

1. Career: From Escape to Exploration

Avoidance focus: “I don’t want to feel stuck in this job anymore. I need to get out. This place is draining me, and I can’t take another day of feeling undervalued and bored.”

Approach focus: “I want work that uses my analytical skills and gives me autonomy to solve problems. I want to feel challenged and valued. What does that actually look like for me? What industries or roles embody that? What am I willing to prioritize or trade off?”

Notice the difference? The avoidance mindset creates urgency and desperation. You might quit impulsively or jump to the first opportunity that presents itself, only to find yourself in a similar situation six months later. The approach mindset invites intentional exploration. You have criteria. You’re building toward something specific. Your decisions become strategic rather than reactive.

–> Avoidance actions might include: complaining, fantasizing about quitting, scrolling jobs on LinkedIn frantically, taking the first escape route.

–> Approach actions include: clarifying your values, identifying what energizes you, researching aligned opportunities, having strategic conversations, building a transition plan.

2. Relationships: From Loneliness to Connection

Avoidance focus: “I don’t want to feel lonely or unsupported anymore. I’m tired of feeling like nobody really gets me or shows up for me.”

Approach focus: “I want to feel connected and valued. I want relationships where I can be myself and where there’s mutual investment. What do those relationships look like? Who in my life already offers glimpses of this? What am I willing to invest in building or deepening those connections?”

The avoidance mindset keeps you focused on what’s missing. You might find yourself withdrawing further, feeling resentful, or desperately seeking validation from people who aren’t capable of giving it. The approach mindset helps you define what good looks like and take ownership of creating it.

–> Avoidance actions: withdrawing, complaining about people not understanding you, waiting for others to reach out first, staying in unfulfilling relationships out of fear of being alone.

–> Approach actions: initiating meaningful conversations, joining communities aligned with your values, being vulnerable with people who’ve earned it, setting boundaries that protect your energy for quality connections.

3. Health and Wellbeing: From Depletion to Design

Avoidance focus: “I don’t want to be tired and overwhelmed anymore. I’m exhausted all the time, and I just need this feeling to stop.”

Approach focus: “I want to feel energized and calm. I want to wake up feeling rested and end my day feeling satisfied rather than depleted. What does my day and week need to look like for that to be true? What would I need to add, remove, or rearrange?”

The avoidance lens keeps you in problem mode. You might push through with caffeine, crash on weekends, or promise yourself you’ll rest “when things calm down.” The approach lens moves you into design mode. You start asking different questions: What gives me energy? What drains me? What’s negotiable? What boundaries do I need?

–> Avoidance actions: powering through, medicating with sugar or caffeine, collapsing on the couch, promising to change “soon.”

–> Approach actions: tracking your energy patterns, experimenting with your schedule, having conversations about workload, building in intentional recovery, designing mornings that set you up well.

4. Personal Growth: From Self-Criticism to Self-Development

Avoidance focus: “I don’t want to keep being so anxious and uncertain. I hate that I second-guess myself constantly and can’t make decisions confidently.”

Approach focus: “I want to feel grounded and trust myself. I want to make decisions that align with my values without spiralling. What does that version of me do differently? What skills or perspectives would help me get there?”

The avoidance mindset turns your growth into a list of flaws to fix. You’re constantly at war with yourself. The approach mindset positions growth as becoming someone, not just fixing something. You’re developing capabilities, not just eliminating weaknesses.

–> Avoidance actions: beating yourself up, avoiding situations that trigger anxiety, staying small to avoid judgment.

–> Approach actions: building specific skills like decision-making frameworks, practicing self-trust in low-stakes situations, seeking mentorship or coaching, celebrating progress.

The Takeaway

Understanding what you don’t want is a valid starting point. It tells you something important about your values and boundaries. But real transformation happens when you get clear on what you do want and start building intentionally toward it.

This is the difference between running from something and moving toward something. One is reactive: you’re constantly in defense mode, trying to avoid pain or discomfort. The other is intentional: you’re actively creating, designing and building the life that aligns with who you want to be.

And here’s what I’ve found, both in my own life and in working with clients: when you focus on what you want, everything changes.

You have more energy because you’re moving toward something that matters rather than just away from pain. You have more clarity because you have criteria for decisions. You have more momentum because each step forward is a step toward something specific, not just away from something vague.

The umbrella keeps you dry. But understanding what good weather feels like, and taking steps to find it, that changes your entire journey.

–> And here’s what makes this shift stick: every step forward reinforces the new direction. You’re not pushing against what you don’t want anymore. You’re building momentum toward what you do.

Your Turn

So here’s my question for you: What’s one area of your life where you’re focused on what you don’t want?

Maybe it’s a job you don’t want to stay in. A relationship pattern you don’t want to repeat. A way of feeling you don’t want to experience anymore.

Now flip it and ask yourself:

• What do you want instead? Not just the absence, but the presence of something else.
• What would that look and feel like? And more importantly;
• What would need to be true about you for you to move toward that?

–> One question to sit with: You already know what you don’t want to feel, but what is it that you want to feel instead?